An Introduction to the Real World of BDSM

[Pervert Dragon]

It doesn't have to be painful.

If you're a masochist and thrive of the feeling of extreme pain then there are plenty of people who will be only too willing to 'hurt' you. Then there are some activities can appear to be painful when in fact the opposite is true if things are done correctly. For example, a hard spanking can look intense and painful and will leave marks. Sure, enough if someone was to hit you full force from the start it absolutely would be painful. However, if they start gently and build up giving your body time to adjust, they could end up hitting you just as hard and it won't hurt you. Having said all of that, there are plenty of things to do that don't involve any kind of pain, so you don't need to endure pain to enjoy play.



Who is really in control?

When you look at a BDSM dynamic from the outside you could be forgiven for assuming that the Dominant is in control. After all, they are the one calling the shots and telling the submissive what to do right? You could also be forgiven for assuming that the submissive is in control, as they set the limits of what they will allow to happen and have the power to stop the scene at any time by withdrawing their consent. However, the reality is that both are in control, because without the participation of everyone, there is nothing to control.

When it comes to play, the Top is the one in control. They are the person 'doing things' and they will control the play space and everyone within it. They operate within negotiated limits, and anyone can stop play, but ultimately the Top is the one running the scene and ensuring the safety of everyone involved.

 

[Pervert Dragon]

Subspace & Drop

When playing, your body releases hormones called 'endorphins' which can induce a euphoric state called Subspace. This is often misrepresented as a 'mindset', but it is in fact an imbalance of chemicals in your brain and can feel like being drunk, high, or floating on air. More common in bottoms (hence the name) but it can affect Tops too, many people aim to reach that point when playing. This is where the Top needs to be really focussed on what they are doing as someone in sub-space might not be aware of dangers and even if they are, they may not be able to verbalize or communicate, in which case they would be unable to use their safeword.

The opposite of this is Drop. This is the name given to the low, sometimes depressive state a person can feel after play stops and the chemical imbalance begins to normalise. This can bring up emotional/mental triggers that may make you feel sad, angry, hurt, rejected, confused, guilty, ashamed etc and these emotions can arise when you least expect them and are likely to be far more intense than you would experience in everyday life. These feelings can take anything from a few minutes to a few hours or even days to surface and when they do, they can be scary. The important thing to remember is that they are temporary, and they will pass as your body gets back to normal.

The best way I've ever heard someone describe "drop" is to imagine a huge pendulum sitting still, hanging downwards. This is you in your normal place, going about day-to-day life, socialising with friends, dealing with problems as they arise and taking everything in your stride. Imagine that there is a rope attached to this pendulum, as you play, the rope slowly pulls the pendulum up, the more you play, the higher it goes. When play ends the pendulum just sits there for a while. You're in subspace, that floaty feeling is amazing, and you enjoy the experience.

However the pendulum is heavy, and the rope can only hold on to that weight for so long before it begins to fray, slowly but surely each strand of the rope begins to pull apart until the rope can no longer hold the weight of the pendulum and it snaps, causing the pendulum to drop downwards. Now anyone who knows anything about physics will know that when you release a pendulum, it will travel an equal distance in the opposite direction. So, from a massive high to a massive low. It will then swing back and forward until it eventually stops moving. This is the same experience as going from subspace into drop and then normalising.

 

[Pervert Dragon]

Remember to follow-up with Aftercare

Aftercare is literally as it sounds. Taking care of each other after a scene. It could be dealing with injuries or applying cream, having a cuddle and a relax together, maybe something warm to drink and something to eat. Aftercare should be offered after every session (regardless of whether subspace was reached or not). The reassuring supportive and safe environment lets the sub know that they have done well and that they are valued. It's also an opportunity to talk through the highs and lows of the scene. Aftercare is extremely important, especially if someone is in 'Drop', so make sure you read up on it and learn about how to give, receive, and ask for it.



Where are all the whips and riding crops?

Funny isn’t it? You’ve been reading for ages now and there’s not a whip, crop, paddle, or cane in sight! Impact play is only a very small part of BDSM, but I'll try to put things into perspective. Imagine looking at a map of the USA with all the states marked out. 'Impact Play' is just one state! Now zoom in so that you can see the counties within the state – flogging is just one county and if you zoom in even further, each town within that county represents one type of flogger.



Nobody Knows Everything - That would be impossible

Now whilst we’re looking at your map, let’s put BDSM as a lifestyle into perspective by zooming out again to where you started looking at the USA as a whole. Zoom out even further so that you can see the world and then further still so that you can see our galaxy with all the planets revolving around our sun. You still don’t have enough space to cover everything that’s BDSM related. Armed with this information, whenever someone tells you that they know all there is to know about BDSM, you'll know they’re lying!



It's not just Role-Play

Although it may not seem real, don’t make the mistake of thinking that the BDSM lifestyle is a pretend one. To some it might just be a bit of kinky fun to spice up their sex life, but to the people who make the choice to live this lifestyle twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week (24/7), this is not pretend, it is their life, and it’s as real as it gets.



Why get involved in BDSM?

People explore the world of BDSM (and kink in general) for all sorts of different reasons. Some may just be looking to enhance their sex life whilst others may have high pressure jobs and simply want to be able to relinquish control, whilst for others the opposite may be true. Some may long for that 'high' that comes with sub-space whilst others may use it to give some structure to their lives.

The main thing to remember is that being involved in this lifestyle doesn't require you to be strange, warped, twisted or a freak. In vanilla life, I have a job, a child and I enjoy riding and repairing motorbikes, flying planes (yes real ones), photography (although I'm no David Bailey), playing piano, bass guitar, and travelling. Just like everyone else in this community, I'm just a normal person doing normal things.

I believe that life's way too short to be taken too seriously, it's there to be enjoyed, experienced, and lived. So, whatever your reason for researching the lifestyle, remember that you are unique, and nobody has the right to judge you. Be true to yourself and live your life to the max and grab onto every opportunity that comes your way.