Chapter 3: Solitary Voyage
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My room turned into a battlefield after I returned home. The cries of Abhi, babbles of Titli and she used to crawl all over the place and Papri used to talk all nonsense and run all over the place. Every time I sat for breast-feeding Abhi, Papri would sit beside me and ask me to place Abhi on her lap.
She used to look at me with pleading eyes and kiss my cheek---“Give my Bhai.”
I used to smile at her and ask her sit properly with her legs folded on the bed then gently I used to place him on her lap.
On the other hand, whenever Titli use to come near Abhi, she felt that someone has come to her house to divide her affections, so she used to look at his face closely and then all of sudden she use to slap gently on his face.
We all three mothers had tough time handling our cubs. The room looked like a battle station and we were mere spectators in the midst of the warriors.
My heart use to fill up with a halo of love and satisfaction whenever Abhi use to suckle milk. I looked at his smiling face and kissed his forehead. He looked at me with his tiny eyes and glued with me to get my warmth. I pressed him across my chest to feel his tiny thumping heart and whispered in his ears “I will keep you away from all miseries of this world, my baby.”
His eyes were big; I use to wonder as whose features he might have borne.
I asked Maithili---“Whom does he look like?” I never wanted that she tell me that he looks like my late husband. I never sought similarities of my late husband’s features in my Abhi.
She looked at both of us---“His chin and lips are like you, chubby cheeks and thin lips. However, his eyes are big, not like yours but some ones else. He has mixed features. I can’t make it right now.”
“His eyes are like my Abhi. Is not it?” I rather tried hard to find resemblance of heartthrob in my cute cub. For hours, I used to look into his face and tried hard to visualize the hidden resemblance on my love on my cub’s face. It was not my fancy but I believed that from the depth of my heart that my cub has eyes of my love.
Whenever I use to massage oil on Abhi, he used to kick me and that made me annoyed. We used to fight over his bath and like the elder one; he was very naughty. Always smiling at me with his toothless face.
In the evening, I used to carry him in my lap and use to stroll in the backyard of my house, between the fruit orchards and beside the pond. I used to stand under the mango tree and point to the tree and use to whisper in his tiny ears---“You have to be strong like this, fruitful like this tree and don’t ever never bow down in any pressure in life. Remember, life is another name of pain and love. You should get used to it.”
He used to giggle at me and look in his mother’s face as if saying “Always with you, Mamma.”
When he slept, I looked at his calm face, sometimes he fluttered his tiny lips probably trying to tell me something in his sleep “Mamma, I love you.” Whenever he stretched his little arms and legs while sleeping, he looked very cute. Every time I looked in his face I tried to, he looked different, painted as a beautiful bud, peaceful and calm as snow. I used to show him outside the window, whenever I swung him in my laps and sang him lullaby. I pointed to the outer world that was waiting for him. I used to whisper in his tiny ears “See, the world is beckoning you. You have to be strong for your mom. I have no one except you, my Dear. You are the only person in this whole world, around whom I will have to bestow my life.”
The stark reality came in front of me after few weeks. Money was weaning from my account very fast. All the expenses of my hospital and doctors; everything were conferred by me. I did not want to ask for money from my brothers. The strange fact was that they never offered me to bear my cost. Maithili tried to help me but somehow I deterred myself from asking money from her. I did not want to bring the money between our relations. One thing I was sure of that, I was self satisfied and lived with self-esteem.
After two months, the bare skeletons started to show its knuckle out of cupboard of the life. Gradually the warmth faded, the ambiance in my house started to change.
One day at the dinner table, Meghna Boudi said to me---“Paree, we live in a village. This is not a city where people lives confined in their house and don’t meddle in others lives.”
I gave a bewildered look at her; I was unable to understand as what she meant to say.
She continued---“People have started talking about you. You are widow; you changed your name to you maiden name and gave your son your maiden surname.”
I gave a helpless look at my brothers; they were silent. It dawned in my mind that they support as what Meghna Boudi was saying.
I asked her in a daunting voice---“Why do I have to care about what the people have to say about me? Did they come for my rescue, no. They never fed me or my son.”
---“But there are talks going around, Paree.”
I looked at Maithili, she winked me to keep quiet and then she asked Subroto Da---“You have not discussed with me regarding these, why?”
He fumbled for words---“Churni, we all have a life of our own. I do not want to bring any kind of disgrace or any type of foul rumors around my house.”
---“Where will she go?”
Meghna Boudi said to her---“She was saying about some job, if she gets early then it will be better for all of us.”
Maithili grinded her jaws at her husband and said---“Will you say something, or keep quiet.”
I apprehended that my days in my native place were over. I foresee that situation much before that night.
I pacified Maithili---“I told you few months back, Churni that I had to confront such days.”
I looked at all of them and said---“We will have better relation if we don’t meddle in our lives. I will go away, but I need some time to find a job.”
I could not find much words, I walked in my room and looked on the bed, where Abhi was sleeping peacefully, unaware of the facts that a storm was brewing around him. I did not know where to go; only I know that I had to go. I saw that Dushtu was sitting beside him, looking deeply on his face. On hearing my footsteps, he looked at me and I saw tears in his eyes. My soul was filled with disgust and the sight of emotions flowing down from Dushtu’s eyes made me weaker.
He gave a pleading look at me and said---“Paree Auntie, please don’t go.”
I walked near him, he threw his arms around me and broke down on my chest---“Please don’t go.”
I ruffled his hair and soothed him---“See, you are grown up boy. You will have a new place to visit during your vacations.”
---“No, I don’t want to visit you. I want you by my side.”
How do I make him understand that the society around us was talking about my recent motherhood in spite of being a widow? They do not try to delve into the reality that was responsible for my situation.
I looked at Abhi’s face while clasping Dushtu in my arms.
I said to him---“You will grow up and understand why your Paree Auntie left you.”
He shook his head---“I know, my mom asked you to leave the house.”
---“No, it was not your mom. There was something else behind all these.”
Somehow, I could not pacify him with all my words but he said nothing and went away wiping his face.
I could not sleep that night, only one thought that circled in my mind and engulfed my soul was, “Where should I go now?” I took out Abhimanyu’s diary and pressed in on my chest. Tears rolled down my cheeks and soaked the cover of the “Optics notebook.” I tried to gather courage and warmth out of the lively words written in that diary.
It was dark outside and Abhi was sleeping quietly beside me. I looked at his face before closing my eyes. I heard the door creek. I looked up to the door, there was no one.
I heard a voice, a deep hum, saying me---“Paree.”
I shivered on hearing my name from the voice I eight years ago. I looked around to find “Are you really there? Where are you, come in front of me. Take me with you. Save me from my miseries.”
---“Step out, nothing will happen to you.”
---“Sure.”
---“Yes I am, Paree.”
I ran towards the door. August winds were howling bitterly outside. I observed that, Maithili was walking towards my room. She was surprised to see me on the balcony, having a bewildered face.
I was also surprised to see her in that hour---“What are you doing? You have not slept?”
She took me inside the room and asked me sit down on the bed---“You have not slept also.”
I gave a painful daunt look at her---“I am unable to sleep.”
---“So am I.”
---“You don’t need to put your family life in fray due to me.”
---“I tried to pacify your brothers and Meghna Boudi. But you know about the village rumors and pep talks.”
---“Yes I know that very well. I lived my twenty-five years here, in this soil and earth, among these fields and orchards. Last two times I went away, I never felt so sad. However, this time, it is sad for me. But, Churni, being a thirty-three year old lady and lived a life full of pains and torment, it made me strong enough to face whatever comes.”
Her voice was choked once again, but I never felt the pain of parting that time.
---“I am really helpless, Paree.”
I took her palms and soothed her---“Don’t be. No one need to shed tears for me anymore.” I let out a long exhale, I felt lighter---“It will be better for all of us. Churni, if several utensils are in one place, then it is bound to make noise. But if you keep those utensils away from each other then they don’t make noise with each other, right dear.”
---“I beg your forgiveness for what I said for all the pains you had to bear due to me.”
---“You never hurt me.”
---“I still feel that …..”
I gave a painful smile at her lamenting face---“Abhimanyu will understand everything and will forgive you.”
---“How he will understand?”
---“I don’t know how, but my heart says that he has forgiven you. Take my word, Churni.”
She threw her arms around me and hugged me closely. I never felt so much strong in my life even in that darkest hour. I heard his voice which told me to step out, probably his voice ignited fire inside me and made me strong enough to face the world waiting for me.
Next day morning, I called Teesta and told her that I need a job badly and as soon as possible.
---“But you have to wait for exams and results, Mita.”
---“I need a job desperately.”
---“What happened? This time I do not want any lies. If you feel that I am a friend of yours then you have to tell me everything.”
I told her about the village pep talks going around and everything what my brothers said to me.
She said to me---“Why don’t you come and stay at my house?”
---“No, that is not possible. I do not want to string up any person with my doomed fate. I just need some help, please.”
---“Let me talk to Debu. I am sure he will find something for you. I think my time has come to repay what you gave me, my love.”
---“It was not me who conjoined you two. There were hidden feelings between you two I just showed both of you.”
---“God does not come down to show path, Mita. He sends messenger to show the path.”
---“Don’t compare me with HIM, I am a doomed lady.”
---“You are the most precious lady I have ever met in my life. I will speak to Debu, in meantime pack your bags; I am coming to get you.”
She paid no heeds to my pleas.
Debobroto called me at evening---“So, you want to do a job.”
---“Yeah.”
He paused for few seconds---“See, to get into college you have to pass NET and for school teacher you have sit for SSC.”
---“But there are private schools also; I can get a job there also.”
---“Hmmm…. I don’t want you to be a teacher in a private school.”
---“Beggars are not choosers Debobroto. I have to take whatever comes in my way.”
---“There is a fellowship program in Saha Institute of Nuclear Physics at Saltlake. You can work under any professor and carry on with your studies as well. I think this will be a good option for you.”
I was amazed and same time I was skeptical as how could I get into that esteemed organization.
---“Don’t worry; I have contacts in Saha Institute. You remember Rajat in our class; he is working there. I know a professor who is looking for an apprentice for his project. Doctor Himangshu Sarkar. I will speak with him. But you have to clear few procedures.”
I leapt at his proposal---“Whatever be it, I will take that.”
I was shivering in excitement. My voice choked while expressing my gratitude to him---“I am very thankful to you. I don’t know how to thank you.”
---“You need not, Mita. Friends are there. By the way, probably Teesta will come at your place in a day or two to bring at our place.”
---“I don’t want to put you in some fray. I will rent out a flat near to the Institute in Saltlake.”
---“Are you sure, that you will be able to take care of yourself?”
I replied with endured voice---“Yes, I am. I have everything with me.” My little Abhi and my Abhimanyu’s diary.
The day I travelled to Saltlake, the bus passed through VIP road. It stooped at my ChotoMa’s place. I felt huge ripples inside me. I bit my lips to control my brewing emotions “How were they passing their days, without their son? Two aged person alone in the house, living a solitary agonizing life. No one to take care of them. Should in go, but why should I go? I am not their daughter neither their blood. Will they accept me? May be yes may be no.” The bus left the stoppage and I kept on thinking all those.
I was glad to find my old peers around me, Rajat. He greeted me with warm heart. Although we were never so close in our college days, but he helped me.
I smiled at him---“After long time we meet.”
---“You have changed a lot.”
---“Really, how so?”
---“You have become bit bulky.”
I laughed out on his observation and joked---“Stalking me again.”
He shook his head---“Oh! No not again. By the way, I have spoken to Dr. Sarkar. You have to sit for a written exam and then he will take an interview. You need not exert any unnecessary tension. I have told him everything about you and he will manage.”
---“I don’t have words to express my heartfelt gratitude to you.”
---“Leave it.”
I was skeptical at first to ask him about his ladylove, Pushpanjali, because at that time I was unaware whether they were actually married or not.
I asked him---“Are you married?”
He looked at me queer face and smiled---“She will be very happy to see you, after a long time. Why don’t you come to my house after meeting, Pushpanjali will be very glad to meet you?”
I left my four-month-old Abhi in care of my beloved Churni, although I knew that she would take care of him, but mother’s soul always feel the magnetic attraction to take her child in her lap.
---“Some other day, by the way where do you live?”
---“Same place, I used to.”
Dr. Sarkar was very kind person. After finishing my exam paper, he asked me some simple queries. He was like a coconut, hard shell on the outer side and white creamy soft inner side. He was more interested in asking about my cub rather than questions of physics.
He told that his daughter live in Massachusetts, United States. He has a grandchild and he contends his heart by hearing his voice on phone.
I asked him as what was his subject of research.
---“Isotopes and nuclear matter.”
---“Interesting subject. I always loved to delve into the particle matter.”
---“Good, to find an apt student like you. However, Suchismita, being a mother and working in an Institution will take much of your energy and time. Are you ready for that?”
I never gave a second thought, I was having a lease of life in front of me, my dreams were about to be fulfilled. I was confident about the job.
---“Yes, sir. I will give my best.”
---“Think again before you commit. By the way do you have a passport?”
---“No, sir. It was not needed.”
---“You will need it. You may have to travel.”
I took a deep breath to fill my heart with the fresh air of life. I saw him standing behind Dr. Sarkar, smiling at me, as if saying to me “See, I told you to step out. Now conquer the world, Paree.”
---“I will manage, Sir.”
---“Good, so join from first October. By the way, are you going to travel daily from your village?”
---“No sir, I will rent some accommodation near this institute.”
I joined as a junior research fellow, in Saha Institute of Nuclear Physics. I was very happy that day. So happy, that I could not hide my tears when Dr. Sarkar came to bid me good-bye till the gate.
I stooped down to touch is feet, he blessed me---“May God bless you. You are very tough woman. I have heard everything from Rajat.”
I called Maithili to convey the news. I wanted to hear the voice of my child. He babbled sweetly on the phone.
His sweet babbles brought tears in my eyes---“Don’t cry, Mamma is coming to get you.”
I hurried to my home, my baby was crying for me and I cried along with him. He was only three months old and I could not feed him for six hours. The moment I saw his red face, a huge wave crashed on my heart. I took him in my lap and hugged him across my chest with all my strength.
I sobbed out---“Your mother had to go. She had no other options.”
I moved out within a week. Rajat helped me to find a two-bedroom apartment. My new address was in Saltlake, very near to my house in Kolkata yet so far from ChotoMa and Babu. The day I moved out, I remember Meghna Boudi came to me and she gave a pleading look at me.
---“I am sorry, Paree.”
I was unfazed by her words; I clasped my cub in my arms and said to her---“It is ok. No one can go against the nature of the society. I am happy to get a job in a prestigious institution and I can take care of myself.”
Dushtu was very quiet, I observed his pain same as the day I was married.
I tried to bring some smile on his face---“See; now you have a new place to visit.”
Maithili was very depressed, she came to me and said---“Take care, I am always with you.”
She took Abhi from my lap, kissed his chubby cheeks, and sobbed out---“Take care of your mom. Don’t be a naughty fellow.”
I patted her cheeks and controlled my wet eyelids---“I have no grievance with anyone of you.”
I looked at my house before boarding the taxi. Once I went away with my ChotoMa, that day I knew that my house would remain with me forever. Next time when I went away after demise of my mother, I felt that I was lost in oblivion. However, on that day, I felt nothing, as I felt those bricks were not beckoning me. I kissed Titli good-bye; she looked at me with queer gaze, trying to understand as why her mother was crying.
A new life started, as a mother and as a junior research fellow. A place; which was much known to me like my palm. I had to buy all the furniture and household commodities. I used one room as my bedroom and in another, I kept as storage room. Lots of money were spent in that, but I was happy that I was working and had some constant source of income. My apartment was only few kilometers from my Institute. I appointed a maid for twelve hours to look after my son while I was away for my job.
My soul writhed every morning, when I had to dress up, prepare my lunch and prepare food for my little baby and instruct my maid, Rina, to take care of my baby. When I kissed his face to bid him good bye, I felt crying and he would glue with me as if asking me not to go. I had to cover all my emotions with a huge boulder and shut the door behind me before walking down the stairs and walk to the bus-stand. I looked up at the balcony, where my maid used to stand with my Abhi, in her lap and waving his little hand as if saying me “Goodbye Mamma. I will be waiting eagerly to leap on your lap when you return.”
At the beginning, I was unable to concentrate in my works.
Dr. Sarkar apprehended my restlessness and cautioned me---“Suchismita, I warned you.”
A chill ran down my spine, I fumbled for words---“Sir, I am sorry.”
He was very compassionate to me---“It will take some time. You have to be strong. I never thought that a single mother would be my apprentice. I am fortunate to meet such a conspicuous and resolute lady by my side. May God bless you.”
Day by day, I dipped myself in my works. My heart writhed with thoughts that I was unable to give proper time for Abhi. Every day, when I returned from my work, I used to clasp him to my chest for long time. His tiny fingers used to scratch my cheeks. His soft palms felt awesome on my cold face. At night, when he slept peacefully beside me, I used to look at his face for hours. Tears use to flow down my cheeks, most of time. I whispered in his sleepy ears “My baby, I am very sorry. The time when you should be playing in your mother’s lap, your mother toils hard to bring happiness on your cute face.”
It was a Sunday in the month of January. I massaged baby oil on Abhi and was watching TV in the drawing room. He lay on the balcony, in the sun. Suddenly I heard him huffing, puffing, and making some sound. I ran down to the balcony to see what happened to him. I was amazed to see that he had turned on his tummy. His first turn, he tried to crawl.
I outstretched my arms---“Come on Abhi, crawl.”
He looked at me with his big eyes and smiled at me with tooth-less face---“Aaaaaa…” Moreover, he tried to crawl towards me. The sight of his first crawl and his turn brought tears in my eyes. A moment only a mother could apprehend the joy when her fawn turns and tries to crawl towards her lap.
He clasped the mattress in his fist and tried to crawl towards me.
I could not bear the scene of his struggle; his face was red as he was trying very hard to crawl towards me---“Mmmmaaaammmm…..”
I took him in my lap and showered kisses on his face---“Come on, enough for today. Now we have to bath.”
He nodded his little head---“Hmmmm…..”
I patted softly on his chubby cheeks---“Grow up quickly.”
One night I took out Abhimanyu’s diary and tried to write something. “Huh!” I told to myself “how could I write, I don’t have the capability to express my words so aptly like you.”
“Where are you? Will I ever meet you in this life time?” I turned the pages of his diary and read those lines what he wrote about me when he first met me. “The nights are very cold, Baby prince. I miss you very much. I need warmth in your arms.”
Teesta and Pushpanjali used to visit, my old friends were back again by my side. Maithili and I used to speak over the phone every other night.
One night I expressed my desire to organize “Annaprashan” for my son. I was a lonely woman so I asked her help. She did not show much interest in my suggestion and I was very much offended. For next one week, I stopped talking to her as I was very angry with her. Then on one Wednesday night, I received an unexpected phone call from Indrani Di, my eldest sister, who lives in Mumbai.
---“How are you? I have heard that you have got a job in Saha Institute of Nuclear Physics.”
I was very much surprised and happy to hear her voice after one year---“I am fine. How are you all doing?”
---“I must say, that my little sister has grown up. I feel proud now.”
I let out a deep breath “It was a time, you used to curse me like anything. You were the main person who was against my studies and when your sister has fought alone with the world and stood alone in battlefield, you have come to gather your accolades that I am your sister.”
---“Who told you all these?”
---“You never called for my help.”
It was against my self-esteem to beg in front of others---“It was actually not required. Are you coming to Kolkata?”
---“I am in Kolkata.”
I was very much surprised to hear that. Maithili never informed me that Indrani Di was in Kolkata. I got angrier with Maithili as why she did not informed me about Indrani Di.
She asked me---“Can you take a day off on Friday?”
---“Why, is there any occasion in the house?”
---“Yes, there is. Can you take a day off.”
---“Ok, I will be at my house by morning.”
She surprised me again---“No, no. You need not come at our place. Just take a day off.”
I was bewildered by her answer, probably she sensed my anxiety and she was laughing at the other end.
---“How is Abhi? I am dying to take my nephew and kiss him.”
Next day when I returned from Institute, I was very much surprised to could not contain myself on finding that all my brothers and sisters and their families were present in my house. My heart was filled up with so much of bliss that all came down my cheeks. Indrani Di, Chandrani Di their husbands, their children and my brothers and my sister-in-laws.
In that entire crowd, I could not find my son. Probably he was in the room as my house was very much crowded.
I gave a queer look at my mischievous sister-in-law, Maithili---“What is all these?”
I could not contain myself anymore, when I saw my eldest brother, Sumanto Da, coming out of my bedroom with Abhi in his lap. He was smiling at me.
---“How can I forget that I have to feed rice to my nephew.”
My heart ruptured in utter felicity. I looked all around the house everyone was smiling at me. I felt as if I was in a dream, I felt the old naughty sweet Paree to breathe the air of life.
My voice was choked; I asked my Sumanto Da---“When did you return?”
---“I returned few days earlier and I came to know everything from Maithili and Subroto. I cursed myself that my little sister has to undergo such pain in her life. I was insane to leave my life. I tried to find peace into the unknown world, when I could have found it here in my home. I searched a lot; I roamed in alleys and mountains for four years. However, torment did not leave me. I had to come back to my native place. I went and sat beside the pond and cried alone. Then I found peace.”
Meghna Boudi was very quiet all the time. I deduced form her facial expression that she was cursing herself to throw me out of the house. However, I had to leave my native place to do my job. Maithili came to me and said---“Won’t you talk to Meghna Boudi? She arranged all of these and gathered all of us. She counted days, for Abhi’s Annaprasan. That was the reason that I kept quiet last week. She wanted to surprise you.”
I gently walked towards her and said---“You did all these?”
She smiled sweetly at me---“How can I forget my son has to take his rice. It is very important for me.”
That was the priceless moment of my life, to have all my brothers and sisters around me. My two-room apartment was bubbling with crowd and noise. All those noise felt music to my ears.
Indrani Di was unaware of the fact that I loved Abhimanyu. She was curious as why I kept my maiden name and why I named my son after his name. Maithili and Subroto Da only knew the real fact. She was also curious of the fact that I was living so near to my ChotoMa’s place yet I was not living with her.
She smelled something and asked me after dinner---“Ulupi Di called me few days earlier. She was asking about you. You have not contact her? Why? They loved you as their own daughter.”
I was unable to tell her the truth. The image of Abhimanyu’s sniveled eyes and ChotoMa red face came in front of my wet hazy eyelids.
I grinded my jaws and I answered her---“ChotoMa ruined my life.”
She looked at my face. I was having pain in my soul and same time I felt pity on their aged soul.
---“Ulupi Di told me everything. She was crying a lot over the phone. Abhimanyu has not called them in last eight years. She asked me to bring you back to her.”
I was very much surprised to hear that. I lost all the words, my throat was dry and eyes were wet.
---“Do you want to talk to her?”
She handed me the mobile and asked me to speak to ChotoMa. I closed my eyes and pressed the mobile with my ear. From the other end of the receiver, I could her only long breaths. My ChotoMa was sobbing and so was I.
I wiped my face and gathered few drops of courage in my writhing soul to speak up---“How are you, ChotoMa?”
She wailed on hearing my voice and I could no more control my tears.
---“Can I see my grandson?”
I simply nodded my head “Yes.”
Next day, my ChotoMa and Babu arrived. My daze was unable to die down when I found my friends to arrive also at my place. I was amazed to find Teesta, Delisha and Pushpanjali. I gave a bewildered look at them. Teesta smiled at me sweetly, she said---“Maithili Di informed me yesterday night and then I called everyone.”
I looked around the house; my heart was beaming with morning sunrays.
I sneaked inside the restroom and looked at my face. It was creamy and vibrant again. I cried out softly to my reflected image in the mirror, “I am still alone in this crowd. Where are you? I miss you so much. See, everyone has come. Yet I am alone. In my happiest moment of my life, I have to bear the pain that you are not with me. Please call me once, I just want to hear your voice and then if you say that have you have your own life to carry on, I will never contact you. But for my sake, please come to me for once.”
Abhi’s annaprasan was held with much fanfare with close family and no outsiders. I was happy to see everyone by my side. However, amongst the crowd of the close knitted family members I felt lonely.
ChotoMa stayed back, I was caught in dilemma over her extended stay.
In the evening after everyone left, she sat in the drawing with her grandson in her lap.
She asked me---“I want you to come and stay with us.”
I smiled at her---“ChotoMa, you know everything. Every brick, every doors and windows, the room in second floor reminds his absence. I cannot go back, ChotoMa. Here I am contend with my life and my son. At least don’t take away my life now, please.”
---“I don’t want to lose you again. I have become very poor after losing everything I had. I thought that Abhi would call me after he returned to India but he never called.”
---“He never called me also. When he returned I was pregnant and I was someone’s wife. Therefore, he never contacted me.”
Tears and pain were flowing our bleeding hearts; both of us lost the most beloved person we had. One lost her son; another lost her heartthrob. Yet I restrained myself from returning to my house.
Months rolled on after that. I was engrossed totally in my work and house chores. Looking after Abhi, who was then started walking all around the house. My son completed his first year and few weeks later I completed thirty-third year on this mother earth. It was a lonely voyage of life for me after all. I knew that on the drop of my word I would find my relatives to throng around me, but I was skeptical about how long they would look after me and how long I could sustain in this cruel world alone.
It was hard for a single woman to live in a male chauvinistic society. I could feel lewd eyes hovering over me all the time. The neighborhood knew that I lived alone with my baby. Although I kept to myself, still I felt some of the neighbours to shower unwanted praises and help to get closer to me. I used to dress very simple mostly in saree and seldom in salwars. My cupboard was filled up with sarees and salwars only.
One day Dr. Sarkar said to me---“Suchismita, you need to grace yourself up. Come out of your past and show the world who you can be.”
I was unable to fathom as what he meant to say---“What do you mean Sir?”
---“Change your attire, grace yourself elegantly and powerfully. You will find a new lease of life flowing in your veins. Those unwanted piercing eyes won’t haunt you anymore.”
I was surprised to hear him say those---“But Sir how do you know?”
---“Remember I told you that I miss my grandson.”
---“Yes sir, I remember. Your daughter lives in States.”
---“She is divorcee and she knows how to take care of herself. As a father, I know the pain of a single daughter who is having a child. So be like a lioness and fight the world. May be next year you have to travel abroad for giving lecture or attend some convention. Do you think you will go in salwars and saree?”
On hearing his words, I felt as if someone is blowing courage in my soul.
I took out the diamond ring that Sumanto Da presented me and wear that on my ring finger so as to deceive the lewd piercing eyes that I was married. I trimmed my long hair, which he fascinated most, to my shoulder length. I started to work out to shape myself up. I changed my dressing sense to more elegant sarees and suits instead of salwars. I lost few pounds.
After few months, I felt that I was having problem with my vision and I went for check up. I got specs and my whole personality started to change day by day. Every morning, I looked myself in the mirror; I observed a new woman was coming out.
One night after dinner, I was feeding Abhi. The new moon was hanging on the deep blue curtain overhead. The crescent peeped behind the trees of the park in front of my apartment. Suddenly he pointed out to the crescent and said his first meaningful word---“Tola (Banana….)”
I was very much surprised to hear banana from his rosy lips.
I asked him---“Where is the banana?”
He babbled again---“Banana….”
I looked to the crescent, yes, he was true, and the crescent looked like a silver banana hanging from the Prussian curtain of night sky. Stars were twinkling around the crescent. His sweet word felt music to my ears. I smiled at him and my eyes went hazy in affection.
---“You want that?”
He gently nodded his head while munching rice.
I rubbed his nose over mine---“Mamma will bring you the moon someday.”
A year rolled over with no much of ripples in my life. Abhi started to walk all around the house. His nonstop babbles use to be music to my ears as most of the time I had to work so I showered all my love on him whatever time I spent with him.
My Abhi was growing up and he was becoming mischievous day by day. At times, he used to walk into kitchen, pulled the tumbler down, and spill water on the floor. At times, he used to walk to my dressing table and eat up my lipstick or smear the colour all over his face.
I felt deep in my heart that ChotoMa missed me very much. She used to call me every week to know about Abhi. Her words made me feel that she was missing Abhimanyu also.
Few months after my thirty-fourth birthday, during Durga Puja, I gathered myself up. On one fine morning of Dashami, I graced myself elegantly in a beautiful turquoise silk saree and looked myself in the mirror. I felt that I was a decade younger. I took my son in my lap and looked into my reflection.
I smiled at him and said---“Mamma is looking beautiful.”
He babbled sweetly and nodded his head---“Yeth….”
I showered several kisses on his cheek and clasped my cub across my chest. I was about to start for ChotoMa’s house after a long time when my sight fell on the “Optics Notebook” lying on my bed. The autumn wind suddenly blew few pages and the sound of the flutter of the crinkly pages pulled my feet inside the door. “Should I go or not? I am also a mother of a son, someday my Abhimanyu will grow up and fly away, leaving me alone in this world” I was caught in a dilemma again and that made me retrace my steps back to my house. For the first time in several years I tried to go back but the sound of the pages of his diary reminded me that my ChotoMa was responsible for my miseries. I could not step out to visit my ChotoMa’s place.
I spent my nights alone in my bed, clasping Abhi to my chest and reading his diary numerous times. I kept the diary always with me in my laptop bag, as if it was my Bible, Koran and Gita. The pains subdued with time and I felt those colourful thoughts as a dream that I relished every night. One night I was reading his words and I felt to write something about my sweet cub. My first poem about my cub came from the abyss of my heart in from of love and scratches.
***********************
Papri patar thoonth ti mele, adu adu chokhye;
Ma bole oii daklo uthye, book ti gelo kenpye |
Adul gaye tutupiye amar dike chaii;
Bolchye jeno Ma amake kole nite aii |
Bikel holyee bairee dekhaii, ghurtee ami jabo,
Altoo kore bole amai, bhujtee paro nako?
Boli ami jachii baba, ektu sobur kor,
Thopash kore galee amar lagiye dilo chor |
Mishti hathe’r porosh peye chokhyee ello jol,
Jol dekhe oii kandlo shone, book kore chol chol |
Kandle jeno, gaaner shure vashai ami tori,
Toor jonyo megher opor prashad ami gori ||
***********************
=========== END OF PART - 3 ============
______________________________________
-----------------------------
My room turned into a battlefield after I returned home. The cries of Abhi, babbles of Titli and she used to crawl all over the place and Papri used to talk all nonsense and run all over the place. Every time I sat for breast-feeding Abhi, Papri would sit beside me and ask me to place Abhi on her lap.
She used to look at me with pleading eyes and kiss my cheek---“Give my Bhai.”
I used to smile at her and ask her sit properly with her legs folded on the bed then gently I used to place him on her lap.
On the other hand, whenever Titli use to come near Abhi, she felt that someone has come to her house to divide her affections, so she used to look at his face closely and then all of sudden she use to slap gently on his face.
We all three mothers had tough time handling our cubs. The room looked like a battle station and we were mere spectators in the midst of the warriors.
My heart use to fill up with a halo of love and satisfaction whenever Abhi use to suckle milk. I looked at his smiling face and kissed his forehead. He looked at me with his tiny eyes and glued with me to get my warmth. I pressed him across my chest to feel his tiny thumping heart and whispered in his ears “I will keep you away from all miseries of this world, my baby.”
His eyes were big; I use to wonder as whose features he might have borne.
I asked Maithili---“Whom does he look like?” I never wanted that she tell me that he looks like my late husband. I never sought similarities of my late husband’s features in my Abhi.
She looked at both of us---“His chin and lips are like you, chubby cheeks and thin lips. However, his eyes are big, not like yours but some ones else. He has mixed features. I can’t make it right now.”
“His eyes are like my Abhi. Is not it?” I rather tried hard to find resemblance of heartthrob in my cute cub. For hours, I used to look into his face and tried hard to visualize the hidden resemblance on my love on my cub’s face. It was not my fancy but I believed that from the depth of my heart that my cub has eyes of my love.
Whenever I use to massage oil on Abhi, he used to kick me and that made me annoyed. We used to fight over his bath and like the elder one; he was very naughty. Always smiling at me with his toothless face.
In the evening, I used to carry him in my lap and use to stroll in the backyard of my house, between the fruit orchards and beside the pond. I used to stand under the mango tree and point to the tree and use to whisper in his tiny ears---“You have to be strong like this, fruitful like this tree and don’t ever never bow down in any pressure in life. Remember, life is another name of pain and love. You should get used to it.”
He used to giggle at me and look in his mother’s face as if saying “Always with you, Mamma.”
When he slept, I looked at his calm face, sometimes he fluttered his tiny lips probably trying to tell me something in his sleep “Mamma, I love you.” Whenever he stretched his little arms and legs while sleeping, he looked very cute. Every time I looked in his face I tried to, he looked different, painted as a beautiful bud, peaceful and calm as snow. I used to show him outside the window, whenever I swung him in my laps and sang him lullaby. I pointed to the outer world that was waiting for him. I used to whisper in his tiny ears “See, the world is beckoning you. You have to be strong for your mom. I have no one except you, my Dear. You are the only person in this whole world, around whom I will have to bestow my life.”
The stark reality came in front of me after few weeks. Money was weaning from my account very fast. All the expenses of my hospital and doctors; everything were conferred by me. I did not want to ask for money from my brothers. The strange fact was that they never offered me to bear my cost. Maithili tried to help me but somehow I deterred myself from asking money from her. I did not want to bring the money between our relations. One thing I was sure of that, I was self satisfied and lived with self-esteem.
After two months, the bare skeletons started to show its knuckle out of cupboard of the life. Gradually the warmth faded, the ambiance in my house started to change.
One day at the dinner table, Meghna Boudi said to me---“Paree, we live in a village. This is not a city where people lives confined in their house and don’t meddle in others lives.”
I gave a bewildered look at her; I was unable to understand as what she meant to say.
She continued---“People have started talking about you. You are widow; you changed your name to you maiden name and gave your son your maiden surname.”
I gave a helpless look at my brothers; they were silent. It dawned in my mind that they support as what Meghna Boudi was saying.
I asked her in a daunting voice---“Why do I have to care about what the people have to say about me? Did they come for my rescue, no. They never fed me or my son.”
---“But there are talks going around, Paree.”
I looked at Maithili, she winked me to keep quiet and then she asked Subroto Da---“You have not discussed with me regarding these, why?”
He fumbled for words---“Churni, we all have a life of our own. I do not want to bring any kind of disgrace or any type of foul rumors around my house.”
---“Where will she go?”
Meghna Boudi said to her---“She was saying about some job, if she gets early then it will be better for all of us.”
Maithili grinded her jaws at her husband and said---“Will you say something, or keep quiet.”
I apprehended that my days in my native place were over. I foresee that situation much before that night.
I pacified Maithili---“I told you few months back, Churni that I had to confront such days.”
I looked at all of them and said---“We will have better relation if we don’t meddle in our lives. I will go away, but I need some time to find a job.”
I could not find much words, I walked in my room and looked on the bed, where Abhi was sleeping peacefully, unaware of the facts that a storm was brewing around him. I did not know where to go; only I know that I had to go. I saw that Dushtu was sitting beside him, looking deeply on his face. On hearing my footsteps, he looked at me and I saw tears in his eyes. My soul was filled with disgust and the sight of emotions flowing down from Dushtu’s eyes made me weaker.
He gave a pleading look at me and said---“Paree Auntie, please don’t go.”
I walked near him, he threw his arms around me and broke down on my chest---“Please don’t go.”
I ruffled his hair and soothed him---“See, you are grown up boy. You will have a new place to visit during your vacations.”
---“No, I don’t want to visit you. I want you by my side.”
How do I make him understand that the society around us was talking about my recent motherhood in spite of being a widow? They do not try to delve into the reality that was responsible for my situation.
I looked at Abhi’s face while clasping Dushtu in my arms.
I said to him---“You will grow up and understand why your Paree Auntie left you.”
He shook his head---“I know, my mom asked you to leave the house.”
---“No, it was not your mom. There was something else behind all these.”
Somehow, I could not pacify him with all my words but he said nothing and went away wiping his face.
I could not sleep that night, only one thought that circled in my mind and engulfed my soul was, “Where should I go now?” I took out Abhimanyu’s diary and pressed in on my chest. Tears rolled down my cheeks and soaked the cover of the “Optics notebook.” I tried to gather courage and warmth out of the lively words written in that diary.
It was dark outside and Abhi was sleeping quietly beside me. I looked at his face before closing my eyes. I heard the door creek. I looked up to the door, there was no one.
I heard a voice, a deep hum, saying me---“Paree.”
I shivered on hearing my name from the voice I eight years ago. I looked around to find “Are you really there? Where are you, come in front of me. Take me with you. Save me from my miseries.”
---“Step out, nothing will happen to you.”
---“Sure.”
---“Yes I am, Paree.”
I ran towards the door. August winds were howling bitterly outside. I observed that, Maithili was walking towards my room. She was surprised to see me on the balcony, having a bewildered face.
I was also surprised to see her in that hour---“What are you doing? You have not slept?”
She took me inside the room and asked me sit down on the bed---“You have not slept also.”
I gave a painful daunt look at her---“I am unable to sleep.”
---“So am I.”
---“You don’t need to put your family life in fray due to me.”
---“I tried to pacify your brothers and Meghna Boudi. But you know about the village rumors and pep talks.”
---“Yes I know that very well. I lived my twenty-five years here, in this soil and earth, among these fields and orchards. Last two times I went away, I never felt so sad. However, this time, it is sad for me. But, Churni, being a thirty-three year old lady and lived a life full of pains and torment, it made me strong enough to face whatever comes.”
Her voice was choked once again, but I never felt the pain of parting that time.
---“I am really helpless, Paree.”
I took her palms and soothed her---“Don’t be. No one need to shed tears for me anymore.” I let out a long exhale, I felt lighter---“It will be better for all of us. Churni, if several utensils are in one place, then it is bound to make noise. But if you keep those utensils away from each other then they don’t make noise with each other, right dear.”
---“I beg your forgiveness for what I said for all the pains you had to bear due to me.”
---“You never hurt me.”
---“I still feel that …..”
I gave a painful smile at her lamenting face---“Abhimanyu will understand everything and will forgive you.”
---“How he will understand?”
---“I don’t know how, but my heart says that he has forgiven you. Take my word, Churni.”
She threw her arms around me and hugged me closely. I never felt so much strong in my life even in that darkest hour. I heard his voice which told me to step out, probably his voice ignited fire inside me and made me strong enough to face the world waiting for me.
Next day morning, I called Teesta and told her that I need a job badly and as soon as possible.
---“But you have to wait for exams and results, Mita.”
---“I need a job desperately.”
---“What happened? This time I do not want any lies. If you feel that I am a friend of yours then you have to tell me everything.”
I told her about the village pep talks going around and everything what my brothers said to me.
She said to me---“Why don’t you come and stay at my house?”
---“No, that is not possible. I do not want to string up any person with my doomed fate. I just need some help, please.”
---“Let me talk to Debu. I am sure he will find something for you. I think my time has come to repay what you gave me, my love.”
---“It was not me who conjoined you two. There were hidden feelings between you two I just showed both of you.”
---“God does not come down to show path, Mita. He sends messenger to show the path.”
---“Don’t compare me with HIM, I am a doomed lady.”
---“You are the most precious lady I have ever met in my life. I will speak to Debu, in meantime pack your bags; I am coming to get you.”
She paid no heeds to my pleas.
Debobroto called me at evening---“So, you want to do a job.”
---“Yeah.”
He paused for few seconds---“See, to get into college you have to pass NET and for school teacher you have sit for SSC.”
---“But there are private schools also; I can get a job there also.”
---“Hmmm…. I don’t want you to be a teacher in a private school.”
---“Beggars are not choosers Debobroto. I have to take whatever comes in my way.”
---“There is a fellowship program in Saha Institute of Nuclear Physics at Saltlake. You can work under any professor and carry on with your studies as well. I think this will be a good option for you.”
I was amazed and same time I was skeptical as how could I get into that esteemed organization.
---“Don’t worry; I have contacts in Saha Institute. You remember Rajat in our class; he is working there. I know a professor who is looking for an apprentice for his project. Doctor Himangshu Sarkar. I will speak with him. But you have to clear few procedures.”
I leapt at his proposal---“Whatever be it, I will take that.”
I was shivering in excitement. My voice choked while expressing my gratitude to him---“I am very thankful to you. I don’t know how to thank you.”
---“You need not, Mita. Friends are there. By the way, probably Teesta will come at your place in a day or two to bring at our place.”
---“I don’t want to put you in some fray. I will rent out a flat near to the Institute in Saltlake.”
---“Are you sure, that you will be able to take care of yourself?”
I replied with endured voice---“Yes, I am. I have everything with me.” My little Abhi and my Abhimanyu’s diary.
The day I travelled to Saltlake, the bus passed through VIP road. It stooped at my ChotoMa’s place. I felt huge ripples inside me. I bit my lips to control my brewing emotions “How were they passing their days, without their son? Two aged person alone in the house, living a solitary agonizing life. No one to take care of them. Should in go, but why should I go? I am not their daughter neither their blood. Will they accept me? May be yes may be no.” The bus left the stoppage and I kept on thinking all those.
I was glad to find my old peers around me, Rajat. He greeted me with warm heart. Although we were never so close in our college days, but he helped me.
I smiled at him---“After long time we meet.”
---“You have changed a lot.”
---“Really, how so?”
---“You have become bit bulky.”
I laughed out on his observation and joked---“Stalking me again.”
He shook his head---“Oh! No not again. By the way, I have spoken to Dr. Sarkar. You have to sit for a written exam and then he will take an interview. You need not exert any unnecessary tension. I have told him everything about you and he will manage.”
---“I don’t have words to express my heartfelt gratitude to you.”
---“Leave it.”
I was skeptical at first to ask him about his ladylove, Pushpanjali, because at that time I was unaware whether they were actually married or not.
I asked him---“Are you married?”
He looked at me queer face and smiled---“She will be very happy to see you, after a long time. Why don’t you come to my house after meeting, Pushpanjali will be very glad to meet you?”
I left my four-month-old Abhi in care of my beloved Churni, although I knew that she would take care of him, but mother’s soul always feel the magnetic attraction to take her child in her lap.
---“Some other day, by the way where do you live?”
---“Same place, I used to.”
Dr. Sarkar was very kind person. After finishing my exam paper, he asked me some simple queries. He was like a coconut, hard shell on the outer side and white creamy soft inner side. He was more interested in asking about my cub rather than questions of physics.
He told that his daughter live in Massachusetts, United States. He has a grandchild and he contends his heart by hearing his voice on phone.
I asked him as what was his subject of research.
---“Isotopes and nuclear matter.”
---“Interesting subject. I always loved to delve into the particle matter.”
---“Good, to find an apt student like you. However, Suchismita, being a mother and working in an Institution will take much of your energy and time. Are you ready for that?”
I never gave a second thought, I was having a lease of life in front of me, my dreams were about to be fulfilled. I was confident about the job.
---“Yes, sir. I will give my best.”
---“Think again before you commit. By the way do you have a passport?”
---“No, sir. It was not needed.”
---“You will need it. You may have to travel.”
I took a deep breath to fill my heart with the fresh air of life. I saw him standing behind Dr. Sarkar, smiling at me, as if saying to me “See, I told you to step out. Now conquer the world, Paree.”
---“I will manage, Sir.”
---“Good, so join from first October. By the way, are you going to travel daily from your village?”
---“No sir, I will rent some accommodation near this institute.”
I joined as a junior research fellow, in Saha Institute of Nuclear Physics. I was very happy that day. So happy, that I could not hide my tears when Dr. Sarkar came to bid me good-bye till the gate.
I stooped down to touch is feet, he blessed me---“May God bless you. You are very tough woman. I have heard everything from Rajat.”
I called Maithili to convey the news. I wanted to hear the voice of my child. He babbled sweetly on the phone.
His sweet babbles brought tears in my eyes---“Don’t cry, Mamma is coming to get you.”
I hurried to my home, my baby was crying for me and I cried along with him. He was only three months old and I could not feed him for six hours. The moment I saw his red face, a huge wave crashed on my heart. I took him in my lap and hugged him across my chest with all my strength.
I sobbed out---“Your mother had to go. She had no other options.”
I moved out within a week. Rajat helped me to find a two-bedroom apartment. My new address was in Saltlake, very near to my house in Kolkata yet so far from ChotoMa and Babu. The day I moved out, I remember Meghna Boudi came to me and she gave a pleading look at me.
---“I am sorry, Paree.”
I was unfazed by her words; I clasped my cub in my arms and said to her---“It is ok. No one can go against the nature of the society. I am happy to get a job in a prestigious institution and I can take care of myself.”
Dushtu was very quiet, I observed his pain same as the day I was married.
I tried to bring some smile on his face---“See; now you have a new place to visit.”
Maithili was very depressed, she came to me and said---“Take care, I am always with you.”
She took Abhi from my lap, kissed his chubby cheeks, and sobbed out---“Take care of your mom. Don’t be a naughty fellow.”
I patted her cheeks and controlled my wet eyelids---“I have no grievance with anyone of you.”
I looked at my house before boarding the taxi. Once I went away with my ChotoMa, that day I knew that my house would remain with me forever. Next time when I went away after demise of my mother, I felt that I was lost in oblivion. However, on that day, I felt nothing, as I felt those bricks were not beckoning me. I kissed Titli good-bye; she looked at me with queer gaze, trying to understand as why her mother was crying.
A new life started, as a mother and as a junior research fellow. A place; which was much known to me like my palm. I had to buy all the furniture and household commodities. I used one room as my bedroom and in another, I kept as storage room. Lots of money were spent in that, but I was happy that I was working and had some constant source of income. My apartment was only few kilometers from my Institute. I appointed a maid for twelve hours to look after my son while I was away for my job.
My soul writhed every morning, when I had to dress up, prepare my lunch and prepare food for my little baby and instruct my maid, Rina, to take care of my baby. When I kissed his face to bid him good bye, I felt crying and he would glue with me as if asking me not to go. I had to cover all my emotions with a huge boulder and shut the door behind me before walking down the stairs and walk to the bus-stand. I looked up at the balcony, where my maid used to stand with my Abhi, in her lap and waving his little hand as if saying me “Goodbye Mamma. I will be waiting eagerly to leap on your lap when you return.”
At the beginning, I was unable to concentrate in my works.
Dr. Sarkar apprehended my restlessness and cautioned me---“Suchismita, I warned you.”
A chill ran down my spine, I fumbled for words---“Sir, I am sorry.”
He was very compassionate to me---“It will take some time. You have to be strong. I never thought that a single mother would be my apprentice. I am fortunate to meet such a conspicuous and resolute lady by my side. May God bless you.”
Day by day, I dipped myself in my works. My heart writhed with thoughts that I was unable to give proper time for Abhi. Every day, when I returned from my work, I used to clasp him to my chest for long time. His tiny fingers used to scratch my cheeks. His soft palms felt awesome on my cold face. At night, when he slept peacefully beside me, I used to look at his face for hours. Tears use to flow down my cheeks, most of time. I whispered in his sleepy ears “My baby, I am very sorry. The time when you should be playing in your mother’s lap, your mother toils hard to bring happiness on your cute face.”
It was a Sunday in the month of January. I massaged baby oil on Abhi and was watching TV in the drawing room. He lay on the balcony, in the sun. Suddenly I heard him huffing, puffing, and making some sound. I ran down to the balcony to see what happened to him. I was amazed to see that he had turned on his tummy. His first turn, he tried to crawl.
I outstretched my arms---“Come on Abhi, crawl.”
He looked at me with his big eyes and smiled at me with tooth-less face---“Aaaaaa…” Moreover, he tried to crawl towards me. The sight of his first crawl and his turn brought tears in my eyes. A moment only a mother could apprehend the joy when her fawn turns and tries to crawl towards her lap.
He clasped the mattress in his fist and tried to crawl towards me.
I could not bear the scene of his struggle; his face was red as he was trying very hard to crawl towards me---“Mmmmaaaammmm…..”
I took him in my lap and showered kisses on his face---“Come on, enough for today. Now we have to bath.”
He nodded his little head---“Hmmmm…..”
I patted softly on his chubby cheeks---“Grow up quickly.”
One night I took out Abhimanyu’s diary and tried to write something. “Huh!” I told to myself “how could I write, I don’t have the capability to express my words so aptly like you.”
“Where are you? Will I ever meet you in this life time?” I turned the pages of his diary and read those lines what he wrote about me when he first met me. “The nights are very cold, Baby prince. I miss you very much. I need warmth in your arms.”
Teesta and Pushpanjali used to visit, my old friends were back again by my side. Maithili and I used to speak over the phone every other night.
One night I expressed my desire to organize “Annaprashan” for my son. I was a lonely woman so I asked her help. She did not show much interest in my suggestion and I was very much offended. For next one week, I stopped talking to her as I was very angry with her. Then on one Wednesday night, I received an unexpected phone call from Indrani Di, my eldest sister, who lives in Mumbai.
---“How are you? I have heard that you have got a job in Saha Institute of Nuclear Physics.”
I was very much surprised and happy to hear her voice after one year---“I am fine. How are you all doing?”
---“I must say, that my little sister has grown up. I feel proud now.”
I let out a deep breath “It was a time, you used to curse me like anything. You were the main person who was against my studies and when your sister has fought alone with the world and stood alone in battlefield, you have come to gather your accolades that I am your sister.”
---“Who told you all these?”
---“You never called for my help.”
It was against my self-esteem to beg in front of others---“It was actually not required. Are you coming to Kolkata?”
---“I am in Kolkata.”
I was very much surprised to hear that. Maithili never informed me that Indrani Di was in Kolkata. I got angrier with Maithili as why she did not informed me about Indrani Di.
She asked me---“Can you take a day off on Friday?”
---“Why, is there any occasion in the house?”
---“Yes, there is. Can you take a day off.”
---“Ok, I will be at my house by morning.”
She surprised me again---“No, no. You need not come at our place. Just take a day off.”
I was bewildered by her answer, probably she sensed my anxiety and she was laughing at the other end.
---“How is Abhi? I am dying to take my nephew and kiss him.”
Next day when I returned from Institute, I was very much surprised to could not contain myself on finding that all my brothers and sisters and their families were present in my house. My heart was filled up with so much of bliss that all came down my cheeks. Indrani Di, Chandrani Di their husbands, their children and my brothers and my sister-in-laws.
In that entire crowd, I could not find my son. Probably he was in the room as my house was very much crowded.
I gave a queer look at my mischievous sister-in-law, Maithili---“What is all these?”
I could not contain myself anymore, when I saw my eldest brother, Sumanto Da, coming out of my bedroom with Abhi in his lap. He was smiling at me.
---“How can I forget that I have to feed rice to my nephew.”
My heart ruptured in utter felicity. I looked all around the house everyone was smiling at me. I felt as if I was in a dream, I felt the old naughty sweet Paree to breathe the air of life.
My voice was choked; I asked my Sumanto Da---“When did you return?”
---“I returned few days earlier and I came to know everything from Maithili and Subroto. I cursed myself that my little sister has to undergo such pain in her life. I was insane to leave my life. I tried to find peace into the unknown world, when I could have found it here in my home. I searched a lot; I roamed in alleys and mountains for four years. However, torment did not leave me. I had to come back to my native place. I went and sat beside the pond and cried alone. Then I found peace.”
Meghna Boudi was very quiet all the time. I deduced form her facial expression that she was cursing herself to throw me out of the house. However, I had to leave my native place to do my job. Maithili came to me and said---“Won’t you talk to Meghna Boudi? She arranged all of these and gathered all of us. She counted days, for Abhi’s Annaprasan. That was the reason that I kept quiet last week. She wanted to surprise you.”
I gently walked towards her and said---“You did all these?”
She smiled sweetly at me---“How can I forget my son has to take his rice. It is very important for me.”
That was the priceless moment of my life, to have all my brothers and sisters around me. My two-room apartment was bubbling with crowd and noise. All those noise felt music to my ears.
Indrani Di was unaware of the fact that I loved Abhimanyu. She was curious as why I kept my maiden name and why I named my son after his name. Maithili and Subroto Da only knew the real fact. She was also curious of the fact that I was living so near to my ChotoMa’s place yet I was not living with her.
She smelled something and asked me after dinner---“Ulupi Di called me few days earlier. She was asking about you. You have not contact her? Why? They loved you as their own daughter.”
I was unable to tell her the truth. The image of Abhimanyu’s sniveled eyes and ChotoMa red face came in front of my wet hazy eyelids.
I grinded my jaws and I answered her---“ChotoMa ruined my life.”
She looked at my face. I was having pain in my soul and same time I felt pity on their aged soul.
---“Ulupi Di told me everything. She was crying a lot over the phone. Abhimanyu has not called them in last eight years. She asked me to bring you back to her.”
I was very much surprised to hear that. I lost all the words, my throat was dry and eyes were wet.
---“Do you want to talk to her?”
She handed me the mobile and asked me to speak to ChotoMa. I closed my eyes and pressed the mobile with my ear. From the other end of the receiver, I could her only long breaths. My ChotoMa was sobbing and so was I.
I wiped my face and gathered few drops of courage in my writhing soul to speak up---“How are you, ChotoMa?”
She wailed on hearing my voice and I could no more control my tears.
---“Can I see my grandson?”
I simply nodded my head “Yes.”
Next day, my ChotoMa and Babu arrived. My daze was unable to die down when I found my friends to arrive also at my place. I was amazed to find Teesta, Delisha and Pushpanjali. I gave a bewildered look at them. Teesta smiled at me sweetly, she said---“Maithili Di informed me yesterday night and then I called everyone.”
I looked around the house; my heart was beaming with morning sunrays.
I sneaked inside the restroom and looked at my face. It was creamy and vibrant again. I cried out softly to my reflected image in the mirror, “I am still alone in this crowd. Where are you? I miss you so much. See, everyone has come. Yet I am alone. In my happiest moment of my life, I have to bear the pain that you are not with me. Please call me once, I just want to hear your voice and then if you say that have you have your own life to carry on, I will never contact you. But for my sake, please come to me for once.”
Abhi’s annaprasan was held with much fanfare with close family and no outsiders. I was happy to see everyone by my side. However, amongst the crowd of the close knitted family members I felt lonely.
ChotoMa stayed back, I was caught in dilemma over her extended stay.
In the evening after everyone left, she sat in the drawing with her grandson in her lap.
She asked me---“I want you to come and stay with us.”
I smiled at her---“ChotoMa, you know everything. Every brick, every doors and windows, the room in second floor reminds his absence. I cannot go back, ChotoMa. Here I am contend with my life and my son. At least don’t take away my life now, please.”
---“I don’t want to lose you again. I have become very poor after losing everything I had. I thought that Abhi would call me after he returned to India but he never called.”
---“He never called me also. When he returned I was pregnant and I was someone’s wife. Therefore, he never contacted me.”
Tears and pain were flowing our bleeding hearts; both of us lost the most beloved person we had. One lost her son; another lost her heartthrob. Yet I restrained myself from returning to my house.
Months rolled on after that. I was engrossed totally in my work and house chores. Looking after Abhi, who was then started walking all around the house. My son completed his first year and few weeks later I completed thirty-third year on this mother earth. It was a lonely voyage of life for me after all. I knew that on the drop of my word I would find my relatives to throng around me, but I was skeptical about how long they would look after me and how long I could sustain in this cruel world alone.
It was hard for a single woman to live in a male chauvinistic society. I could feel lewd eyes hovering over me all the time. The neighborhood knew that I lived alone with my baby. Although I kept to myself, still I felt some of the neighbours to shower unwanted praises and help to get closer to me. I used to dress very simple mostly in saree and seldom in salwars. My cupboard was filled up with sarees and salwars only.
One day Dr. Sarkar said to me---“Suchismita, you need to grace yourself up. Come out of your past and show the world who you can be.”
I was unable to fathom as what he meant to say---“What do you mean Sir?”
---“Change your attire, grace yourself elegantly and powerfully. You will find a new lease of life flowing in your veins. Those unwanted piercing eyes won’t haunt you anymore.”
I was surprised to hear him say those---“But Sir how do you know?”
---“Remember I told you that I miss my grandson.”
---“Yes sir, I remember. Your daughter lives in States.”
---“She is divorcee and she knows how to take care of herself. As a father, I know the pain of a single daughter who is having a child. So be like a lioness and fight the world. May be next year you have to travel abroad for giving lecture or attend some convention. Do you think you will go in salwars and saree?”
On hearing his words, I felt as if someone is blowing courage in my soul.
I took out the diamond ring that Sumanto Da presented me and wear that on my ring finger so as to deceive the lewd piercing eyes that I was married. I trimmed my long hair, which he fascinated most, to my shoulder length. I started to work out to shape myself up. I changed my dressing sense to more elegant sarees and suits instead of salwars. I lost few pounds.
After few months, I felt that I was having problem with my vision and I went for check up. I got specs and my whole personality started to change day by day. Every morning, I looked myself in the mirror; I observed a new woman was coming out.
One night after dinner, I was feeding Abhi. The new moon was hanging on the deep blue curtain overhead. The crescent peeped behind the trees of the park in front of my apartment. Suddenly he pointed out to the crescent and said his first meaningful word---“Tola (Banana….)”
I was very much surprised to hear banana from his rosy lips.
I asked him---“Where is the banana?”
He babbled again---“Banana….”
I looked to the crescent, yes, he was true, and the crescent looked like a silver banana hanging from the Prussian curtain of night sky. Stars were twinkling around the crescent. His sweet word felt music to my ears. I smiled at him and my eyes went hazy in affection.
---“You want that?”
He gently nodded his head while munching rice.
I rubbed his nose over mine---“Mamma will bring you the moon someday.”
A year rolled over with no much of ripples in my life. Abhi started to walk all around the house. His nonstop babbles use to be music to my ears as most of the time I had to work so I showered all my love on him whatever time I spent with him.
My Abhi was growing up and he was becoming mischievous day by day. At times, he used to walk into kitchen, pulled the tumbler down, and spill water on the floor. At times, he used to walk to my dressing table and eat up my lipstick or smear the colour all over his face.
I felt deep in my heart that ChotoMa missed me very much. She used to call me every week to know about Abhi. Her words made me feel that she was missing Abhimanyu also.
Few months after my thirty-fourth birthday, during Durga Puja, I gathered myself up. On one fine morning of Dashami, I graced myself elegantly in a beautiful turquoise silk saree and looked myself in the mirror. I felt that I was a decade younger. I took my son in my lap and looked into my reflection.
I smiled at him and said---“Mamma is looking beautiful.”
He babbled sweetly and nodded his head---“Yeth….”
I showered several kisses on his cheek and clasped my cub across my chest. I was about to start for ChotoMa’s house after a long time when my sight fell on the “Optics Notebook” lying on my bed. The autumn wind suddenly blew few pages and the sound of the flutter of the crinkly pages pulled my feet inside the door. “Should I go or not? I am also a mother of a son, someday my Abhimanyu will grow up and fly away, leaving me alone in this world” I was caught in a dilemma again and that made me retrace my steps back to my house. For the first time in several years I tried to go back but the sound of the pages of his diary reminded me that my ChotoMa was responsible for my miseries. I could not step out to visit my ChotoMa’s place.
I spent my nights alone in my bed, clasping Abhi to my chest and reading his diary numerous times. I kept the diary always with me in my laptop bag, as if it was my Bible, Koran and Gita. The pains subdued with time and I felt those colourful thoughts as a dream that I relished every night. One night I was reading his words and I felt to write something about my sweet cub. My first poem about my cub came from the abyss of my heart in from of love and scratches.
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Papri patar thoonth ti mele, adu adu chokhye;
Ma bole oii daklo uthye, book ti gelo kenpye |
Adul gaye tutupiye amar dike chaii;
Bolchye jeno Ma amake kole nite aii |
Bikel holyee bairee dekhaii, ghurtee ami jabo,
Altoo kore bole amai, bhujtee paro nako?
Boli ami jachii baba, ektu sobur kor,
Thopash kore galee amar lagiye dilo chor |
Mishti hathe’r porosh peye chokhyee ello jol,
Jol dekhe oii kandlo shone, book kore chol chol |
Kandle jeno, gaaner shure vashai ami tori,
Toor jonyo megher opor prashad ami gori ||
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=========== END OF PART - 3 ============
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