BDSM is NOT all about sex!
Whilst it's true that many people practicing BDSM are loving couples and do incorporate sex, there are probably just as many participants that have no sexual contact whatsoever. There are also lots of dynamics that sit between these extremes.
You don't have to wear special clothing, or any clothing for that matter.
Wearing a specific style of clothing (fetish wear) is very much down to personal taste. Whilst there are some events where a particular dress code is required, many just tend to keep it casual most of the time. I find that Black Jeans, Black Shirt and Black Boots tend to be accepted at most venues although the suit does come out on occasion. Of course, you can opt for Latex, PVC, Rubber or Leather if you wish or at the other extreme you might decide that No Clothing is what does it for you.
You don't need to break the bank.
You can have a lot of fun converting ordinary household items into toys. An old hairbrush could become a paddle. Clothing can be used for bondage. Be creative and use your imagination, shopping trips become a whole new experience when you walk around and start seeing alternative uses for items on sale. A wooden chopping board makes for a heavy paddle, whilst a plastic coat hanger is an excellent option for playing quietly if you need to whilst giving a serious sting if it's done right.
You make the rules – Nobody Else!
Lots of people will tell you that you should do things a specific way. But the reality is that there are many ways you can 'do BDSM' and assuming you are doing it safely then do what works for you. You and your partner should sit down and discuss what can and can't be done effectively setting the 'limits' of play. Once you have set them, they should never be crossed unless you review and change them. If your partner oversteps your limits, it may be time to walk away and find someone else to play with.
Fools Rush In.
Take your time and learn about the lifestyle. Don't jump in with both feet and expect to swim. Research different aspects of the lifestyle and learn about the parts you are interested in. Join discussion groups, there are lots of them on Facebook, FetLife and of course here on Fetish. Get to know people, attend munches (social events for kinky people) and generally integrate yourself into the community. Don't be too quick to get into a relationship as not only does that appear desperate and needy, but rushed relationships very often end badly.
Not Everyone is Honest – Honestly!
It's human nature to want to trust people we meet when we are trying something new. Especially those that sound (or at least tell us that they are) experienced. However sometimes we can fall into bad company and the advice we get from these 'experienced people' is worthless! That Dom(me) with 50 years' experience could just be someone who's looking to exploit you for all you're worth. So again, don't rush, get to know people, if someone takes your interest, talk to others about them to find out what they are like. Watch how they interact with people in the community. Do your research and trust your gut instincts.
Don't announce that you're new.
Especially if you're a submissive female but this applies to everyone. If you join an online group and introduce yourself as being new to the lifestyle and are looking to learn, people will crawl out of the woodwork to offer advice and this is a sure fire way to get involved with a predator and possibly get seriously hurt. My advice is to join a group, agree to the group rules and then lie low and watch how people interact. You'll soon get to see the ones that know what they're talking about.
Your Safeword will keep you safe – Not!
A safeword is a pre-determined word used to draw attention to an issue that could potentially end the scene. The safeword is discussed before the scene and everybody involved in the scene is aware of what the safeword is. Calling a safeword doesn't necessarily mean that the scene must stop altogether, but the top should immediately check in with the person calling the safeword to find out what the issue is and address it. That's when you will find out if the scene needs to stop completely. A safeword is only as good as the people using it. For example, if someone chooses to ignore a safeword then the safeword itself is useless. This is where absolute trust in the other people involved is imperative. If you don't trust someone, don't play with them. You should never be punished for using a safeword. If this ever happens, RUN!
Communicate – Communicate – Communicate
Communication is vital within any relationship. But BDSM is a game that requires two (or more) players (let's face it, playing with yourself is only so fun for so long). Nobody is a mind reader (even though we often like to think we are) so it's essential that you communicate before any kind of play negotiating boundaries and safety. Communicate during the scene to let your top know that what they are doing is Nice/OK/Not So Nice/Hurts. Safeword if you need to (and don't be afraid to do so). Finally communicate after the scene and discuss what went well, what didn't go so well, what you enjoyed, and what you didn't enjoy so that the next time you play will be even more fun.
Learn to build trust.
On occasion during play you may be putting your safety, or your liberty in the hands of another person. If you can't trust those with whom you interact, then you need to have a re-think about who you're interacting with. Trust is something that is built over time and broken in milliseconds. Be true to your word, if you say you're going to do something, do it. Equally, if you say you won't, then don't! Never do anything to breach someone's trust as once it's broken it's very difficult, if not impossible, to rebuild.
Honesty is the best policy – Honestly!
Be honest with those that you get close to. Tell them if you have little or no experience in a specific area. If you have a medical condition, disclose it to anyone that you are going to play with. Ensure that they know any signs to look out for that will indicate that you need medical attention.
Be willing to admit it's not for you.
It's very possible that you may try something and decide that it's not for you. If that's the case, then stop. Well done for trying but now that you've recognised that it's not for you, leave it behind. There's no point trying to continue something if you don't enjoy it.
Respect is earned.
Just because someone is a submissive, it does not give anyone the right to make demands of them. Just because someone is a Dominant it does not give them power over you, and you certainly shouldn't go around calling every Dominant "Sir". Respect is earned, not demanded, and it's most easily earned by those that show it. I generally show respect to everyone unless they give me a reason not to. If you do see something you disagree with, state it but be respectful. We're all human and so our opinions are going to differ from time to time, so don't lose your cool.
Know your hard limits and stick to them.
As you explore there will be lots of things that do and don't interest you. Some might scare you whilst others you simply don't understand at first. It could be that whilst you might not like something, you are willing to do it for your partner. Or it could be that it's something you're curious about trying and may do so with the right person. These are all 'soft limits' and they are often fluid and ever changing. However, you will come across things that you will never ever do under any circumstances, for example 'death' is probably something you'd rather avoid. Teach of these are known as a 'Hard limit' and you should set them right from the start and stick to them, unless in time you decide to explore.
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